Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?