I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.