Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
i meant to share this earlier
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
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Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile