The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
They did not think through this water fountain
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?