I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
…żyje?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.