Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
You Might Also Like
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
that wasn’t the question
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
just having fun
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Uh oh…
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.