A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
You Might Also Like
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning