CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
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Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.