Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Yes
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”