We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.