If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.