Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*