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Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Peter Parker Peter Driver
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Beauty and the Beast
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs