Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
2023 was just a warmup
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Does this dress make me look cat?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.