Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.