Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
You Might Also Like
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party