“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
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If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea