Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
You Might Also Like
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!