I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
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You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar