Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
So true for me
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My relationship with tea has always been strained.