The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
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I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*