Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Cha-ching is my safe word
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something