Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
seems fine
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
And bowling should be called pinball
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Guy who likes music
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
HERE’S MARKY
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”