The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
You Might Also Like
Weirdos gonna weird.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
FINE, I WON’T.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards