LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
#TopTip
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.