Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“