Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.