[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.