I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
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Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]