INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn