If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.