Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕