2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.