Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
You Might Also Like
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Tough love is true love
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.