Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
They also CAN sing✌️
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word