the official breakfast of 2021
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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
opening twitter today
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT