on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
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“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day