Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
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I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Pikachu found the lost joint
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Happy weekend !
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?