Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.