them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
You Might Also Like
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.