My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.