It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”