Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
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Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.