The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.