*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You Might Also Like
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.