Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.