them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
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everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.