My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
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In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
These work great until they don’t.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Breaking news:
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs