It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch