Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
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When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.